Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Some days, I just suck.

Some days, I really suck at this whole parenting thing. No, really, I do. It's not all happy schooling, game playing and cheerful children doing their chores and playing.

Monday, I was a very crabby mommy who was mad at her broken computer, mad at the DaddyMan for not backing it up and just plain MAD. Because of this crabby fit, when I messed up on the quilt I was sewing, I said a few choice words. At the moment, I don't remember which words they were, but I blurted them. Two of my children were upstairs resting and I didn't give a thought to where the big one was.

I learned last night, in front of two of my dear friends, that when I blurted ugly words, my beloved 13 year old was in the next room, quietly reading. She heard me. After announcing that she heard ugly words, she tried to console me with, "Don't worry Mom; they were ones I already knew."

Oy. That wasn't consoling. Not only did I suck on Monday by saying those words out loud, but apparently I've sucked in the past because she'd heard them before. I truly don't make a habit of swearing, but I'll admit, unwholesome talk does occasionally come out of my mouth. Like yesterday, when I smacked my head so hard on the liftgate of the van that I seriously considered sitting down on the rain covered parking lot. Boy, did that hurt! And I handled it well.... I sucked again by blurting out a word I shouldn't have.

So, there, twice in two days, I've broken the "no unwholesome talk" rule that's been posted on my fridge for YEARS. Today, I got very frustrated and yelled at the child who acted like she'd never seen math problems before. This would be the child who either gets them ALL right or basically turns off her brain and misses almost all of her problems. I didn't say ugly words, but my tone was ugly and I was c.r.a.b.b.y at her.

After a nice long sobbing fest in the shower this morning, I found my 13 year old, hugged her and apologized. She forgave me. I still need to apologize to the smaller one and I know she'll be just as forgiving. So then, why is it so hard to forgive myself??

1 comment:

Ann said...

I don't think you sound like somebody who sucks. You sound like a person who makes honest mistakes (as we all do), but cares deeply about her children, what they hear, what they experience, and knows how to apologize when she makes a mistake. Sounds pretty great to me!